Today is part 2 of a 10 part blog series about respect. Each week we'll explore 10 ways to show respect. This week, we are looking at #11 - 20. If you'd like to find out more about the firsts 10 ways to show respect, please check out last week's blog post at:
https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2020/11/respectfind-out-what-it-means-to-me.html
I hope this blog series helps you understand how to give and receive respect.
How do you show respect, you ask? Let's walk through it...
11) Help the other person carve out time to spend with their friends
The is particularly important in relationships/marriages, because, while each of you should be the other person's best friend, it is very important for an individual to have friends and interests outside of the relationship, so they can be well-rounded. It also allows the other person time to decompress, particularly in regards to the stressors of life at home. It's important for people to fellowship with others, as long as those friendships remain appropriate and that there is balance. So, perhaps discuss times when each of you can spend time with your friends. This shows respect by expressing to the other person that their personal needs are important and that you understand and support those needs.
12) Choose carefully whether or not the issue at hand is worthy of disagreement - the more you disagree with others, the less they value your input.
This is really just a classic scenario of "choose your battles". Not everything is important enough to disagree or argue about. Sometimes we choose to disagree simply because we want our input heard. But what ends up happening instead, if we do that too often, is that we, in fact, are devaluing our input. Sometimes, when it's not a significant issues, the best course of action is to defer to the other person.
13) What a course of action is decided upon, support the decision enthusiastically instead of begrudgingly.
If and when you do defer to the other person and their decisions, then it's important that you wholeheartedly support their decision. There's nothing worse in a relationship when you defer the decision to someone, and then later criticize or belittle the decision they made. Nothing feels more devaluing than that. That's because you gave the other person a false sense of worth and value, by deferring to their decision, then turn around and pull the rug out from under them. It robs the other person of their confidence and their trust in your. If you choose to defer, then the other part of that decision is support.
14) If you disagree with a position the other person holds, after understanding and affirming it ("if I understand you correctly, you are saying...I can see what you would say that because...") let the other person know you have another thought. ("A concern I have about this is", or "What I am wondering is...", or "What I'm struggling with is...")
This concept is similar to Reflective Listening, which we reviewed last week. Seek to understand before being understood. Truly and fully listen to the other person, not focusing on how you're going to respond, but on what they're saying. Once you've really heard them, you can reflect back what you heard, to confirm it's correct, giving opportunity for clarification. And then you can let the other person know you have another thought or perspective or question. Most people report that they feel respected when the other person listens to what they have to say and affirms its value. If that part doesn't happen first, the other person is unable to hear any other perspective you may have, because they are not feeling heard or feeling defensive. Listening and affirming is a huge piece of showing respect.
15) Continue doing these things even when the other person disappoints you (otherwise you'll lose credibility with the other person).
You'll find that some of the things mentioned above can be difficult when the person continues to disappoint you. Think of the idea of "taking the high road" or "being the bigger person". No matter what, we have to keep in mind that the other person, just like you, is a human being, fallible and prone to error. But you don't have to play the tit for tat game. If you continue to be the bigger person and doing these acts of respect consistently, the person will see that, and even if they never tell you, will often remark on in when speaking to others. And speaking highly of someone is a definite way of express respect.
16) Don't take it personally when the other person commits an oversight - their mind is probably on something else and they aren't focused or forgot.
When the other person forgets something or doesn't do what was expected, don't take it personally. It' unlikely that they set out to figure out how to hurt you. Continue to show love, respect and kindness to them, even when they make a mistake. That type of humility and forgiveness go a long way in gaining respect from others, and also is a way to show respect. When you choose not to take things personally, what you are really saying is that, despite the other person's mistake, you still care about and value them, just as much as you always have. It says that the worth of the other person is not contingent on them always following through on your expectations.
17) Say, "Thank you!" when they do something for you, regardless of what it is - wise people are appreciative of all things. Anyone can be grateful for the big things, a wise person is grateful for the small things also.
This is important. All people need to feel appreciated for that they do and what they bring to the table. That includes the little things as well. All of us have the need to have our gestures acknowledged. It's so easy, especially in domestic relationships, to take certain things for granted, like not thanking the person who typically cooks dinner every night, or makes your lunch to take to work, etc. This simply demonstrates that you recognize the things the other person does to enhance the relationship. It feel respectful to know that the person "sees" you.
18) For people in domestic relationships, say "Thank you for going to work" or "Thank you for looking for work today.", if the other person is doing either. Wise people thank others for doing the things they do daily, instead of taking them for granted.
This is similar to #17, but can be specific. How often do you thank your partner for going to work everyday? Chances are that it's not often. We easily and quickly take for granted the things we've come to expect from the other person. But honestly, it's important to hear appreciation for those things as well. Not to mention, by thanking the other person, it also causes you to slow your thoughts down to really recognize how bless you may be.
19) When you ask for something say, "Would you please..." Wise people do not assume attitudes of entitlement, but rather understand the preciousness of others to God and treat others accordingly, instead of taking them for granted.
This is another one along the lines of not taking others for granted. Being polite and having manners, even with those you are closest to, is one of the easiest ways to give and receive respect. Please and thank you go a long way. It indicates that we don't "expect" anything, but come into it with humility. Humility is respect at its core. By being polite and using manners, you are telling the other person that they are valuable and worthy of kindness, just like everyone else, instead of taking them for granted.
20) Don't argue with any act of generosity the other person displays, even if you think it's not necessary, or if it's for you and you don't think you need it. Accept the generosity.
This one comes hard for many of us. Sometimes it can be hard to receive praise or acts of generosity. Often times, this is the heartfelt way in which the other person is showing their appreciation of you and expressing how much they value you. By arguing with the other person, it deflates what they say or offer. Again, it devalues it. Accept the generosity with with a gracious smile and words of appreciation. The point is to make the other person feel good. There's no point in arguing, because it literally doesn't accomplish anything but to make the other person feel bad.
Sometimes respect is simply about making the other person feel good and valuing them and their contributions. That doesn't cost you anything. But when we don't do those things, we end up hurting others and diminishing the respect and relationship.
If you're interested in finding out more about respect, especially how to respect yourself and present yourself with self-respect, please reach out to me. I specialize in helping people develop and grow their self-respect, so that others will learn to respect them, as well.
You can also find my previous blog posts at This Therapist's Therapy: https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/
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