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Using the 3 Questions in Marriage



Today we're going to talk about "the 3 questions" and how to use them successfully in your marriage.
The 3 Questions are - "What's Working Well?", "What Are You/We Worried About?", and "What Needs to Happen Next?"  

These questions are best used in planned conversations within a marriage relationship.  I often recommend couples who are struggling with communication, to schedule a weekly Family Meeting, in which they designated a specific time each week that is set aside to talk to each other.  There are several components that make these conversations successful.  The main ingredients are The 3 Questions.

The 1st question is "What's Working Well?"  This question should be used to start the conversation.  Human nature is to want to hear positive things - about ourselves and our relationships.  By starting the conversation this way, both people's defenses come down and they are more open to a productive conversations.  This question gets both people focused on the positives in the relationship.  It causes them to have to remember and think about the things that have been or are working well, personally or within the marriage relationship.  It also gives each person the opportunity to give positive feedback to their spouse.  For some couples, this is the first or only time they hear something positive from their spouse.  But positive feedback is an important ongoing aspect of a marriage - building each other up.  By start the conversation with what's working well, it puts things in a positive perspective and can set the tone of the conversation in the right direction.  These positives are the building blocks of good communication and thus, an improved relationship.

The 2nd question is "What Are You/We Worried About?"  This question allows space to air the concerns, either individually or in the relationship.  A productive conversation also allows for each person to express their concerns or worries.  I know, you're thinking that this is where the problem is.  You feel like you can't express anything negative to your spouse without them blowing up.  And yes, it may feel that way.  However, when done in a pre-planned, scheduled conversation, this can be extremely productive.  They key is each person's awareness that this is period of time that is designated for expressing concerns.  It takes away the element of surprise that often is the impetus of arguements.  The reason so many conversations between spouses end up as a fight, are because one partner brought up a negative issue, seemingly out of nowhere.  When you come into the conversation knowing that there is time designated for discussing concerns, the immediate hostility is siminished.  By disarming the situation, it actually allows for a prodcutive conversation, where both people can discuss the topic and come to understanding, agreement, or resolution.  This is a great point in the conversation in which to use Reflective Listening, which I discussed in Fair Fighting Rules for Couples - Rule #3.

The 3rd question is "What Needs to Happen Next?"  Once the positives and negatives have been discussed, it's time to determine the next steps.  Based on the discussions you just had when discussing these things, you are better able to determine the steps each of you need to take to make changes and improvements, to yourself and for the relationship.  You don't always need to agree on the steps each of you will take...this is a learning experience.  But as long as each of you know the direction you need to take to improve things,  

Next week I'll share more strategies to use in Marriage and/or Family Meetings.


Thanks for taking the time to read this blog post.


If you'd like more direct and personal help with your marriage relationship, please check out my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

I provide online couples counseling throughout California.


Website - www.brittaniedmilslmft.com

Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com

Phone - (925) 335-6122


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