Communication Tips for Couples #2

One of the biggest topics that bring folks to couples counseling is lack of communication.  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing some basic communication tips for couples.  

Today's tip is about the Time Out.  Time Outs aren't just for kids!

When you and your partner are arguing and it feels like things are getting too heated, it isn't always the best idea to keep trying to resolve the issue or come to a conclusion.  Sometimes continuing the conversation does more harm than good.

I recommend that, when the two of you are in a good space, that you come up with some agreements around taking a Time Out.  A Time Out is a specified period of time in which each of you disengage from the arguement or discussion, physically separate from each other, and take some time to think and cool down.  This allows each of you time time to cool down, consider your partner's position, gather your thoughts, and be prepared to come back to the discussion in a different frame of mind.

There are several steps to this process:

1)  Determine how the two of you will signal that a Time Out is needed. 

This could be as simple as stating, "I need a Time Out right now." or could be a code word or hand gesture.  (Now, I know what you're thinking...."I've got a hand gesture for them!!"  That's not what I'm talking about.)  The method of communicating that a Time Out is needed should be agreed upon by both parties, ahead of time, like when you're not fighting.

2)  Determine how long the Time Out will be.

This should only be minutes or a few hours.  It should NOT be days.  I recommend at least 15 minutes to an hour.  This is enough time to cool down and think, but not so long that the discussion needs to start over or that things are left unresolved.  The important part of this step is that the agreed upon length of time is respected.  Coming back to the discussion relatively quickly, is important.

3)  Agree that if one partner needs a Time Out, the other partner will respect that need.

This means when one partner says they need a Time Out, the other partner doesn't try to continue the conversation, doesn't try to physically hold the other partner in place, and doesn't make other snide remarks about the need for a Time Out.  It means that the partner who is receiving that message respectfully stops talking, acknowledges, the request, and walks away.

4)  The time of separation & cool down is for that purpose.

When you and your partner take a time out, it's not to go out with friends, etc.  It is a period of time to cool down, think about what was going on for you during the discussion, think about the points your partner was making, and how you might be able to better approach the discussion in the future.  Perhaps by cooling down, you realize that your partner said some valid things and you didn't even realize it in the heat of the moment.  Or perhaps you came up with some creative resolutions or a compromise.  The main thing is to come back in a better mental and emotional state, than when you left the discussion.  You may need to be intention about your tone of voice or body posture.  Come back with an open mind and a willingness to compromise.  Remember, you don't always have to be right.  It should always be our goal to have a win-win situation, so that both partners benefit from the resolution.

5)  Always come back to finish the conversation.

Never leave things unfinished.  It is SO important that if one partner takes a Time Out, that they also come back to initiate a follow up conversation.  Agree to listen to each other, without planning your next comment.  Listen to hear, not to respond.  And it's also an opportunity to practice using "I" Statements or Reflective Listening.

(If you want more information on "I" Statements, please check out the previous blog post at: https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-2.html  or if you want more information on Reflective Listening, please check out the previous blog post at https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-3.html

Follow this blog for more tips in the coming weeks.

If you'd like to see previous blog posts on Fair Fighting Rules in Marriage, please check out https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/12/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-wrap-up.html

If you'd like more direct and personal help with improving communication in your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

I provide online couples counseling throughout Tennessee, South Carolina, Florida, & California.

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