7/6 - Peace in Your Partnership: How to Guard Your Vows

 



Peace in Your Partnership: 

How to Guard Your Vows

In the beginning of our relationships, we foolishly believe nothing will ever break the bond with our spouse.  We assume our relationship is so strong, that it's safe from any outside influence.  But over time, we get comfortable and complacent, and we get lax about what we talk about with others.

But let's discuss some ways we can stop that from happening, before it starts.

Why Safeguarding Your Marriage Matters

Our marriages are meant to be sacred, covenant relationships.  When we say our vows to each other, it is a way of committing ourselves to another person for a lifetime.  But, we're all humans and all marriages have ups and downs.  And one of those is sharing too much information with other people, outside of your marriage, such as co-workers, friends, or family members.  We typically justify it under the guise of "venting".  But that's where we need to be careful.

Sometimes when we share details about our marriage with others, it can create doubt, build resentment, or even create conflict that wasn't there.  When we share details, we invite other people's opinions and experiences into the equation, and often those opinions and experiences are not neutral, at best, and downright biased, at worst.

Frequently, when we share too much about what's going on in our marriage, the feedback we received from other people causes us to start having some doubts about our spouse, sometimes doubts that were not previously there or are unfounded.  This is just the start of what can quickly become a downward spiral.  Where we didn't have any doubt before, suddenly we're questioning our spouse's every move or comment.  And anytime doubt creeps into a relationship, it's like a poison spreading through our body and takes a lot of work to recover from.  Trust is broken and takes work to restore.  

Other times, when we share details of our marriage, the friends or colleagues that we're sharing with, also share tidbits about their relationships.  And depending on what we hear, this can lead to resentment toward our spouse.  Again, resentment that wasn't previously there and is often unwarranted.  If our friend tells us about certain things their spouse does or does not do and it's one of the same things we're experiencing with our spouse, it may cause us to become more angry and resentful toward our own spouse, instead of considering ways to resolve the issue.  Or what may have only been a small, inconsequential concern in our marriage, becomes huge issue.  For example, we may starting thinking something like, "How come my husband can't just put his clothes in the dirty clothes hamper, instead of leaving them on the bathroom floor?  My friend's husband puts his clothes where they belong!"  We may even start complaining to our spouse about their actions.  We start comparing our spouses or our marriages to others.  That's never fair.  Each marriage is unique and each person with a marriage is unique.

As you can imagine, these comparisons or growing resentments can easily and quickly lead to conflict.  Conflict that wasn't there before.  About things that may not actually both you that much, but since you're now comparing your marriage to your friend's marriage, these things bother you...because they bother your friend.  And before you k now it, you and your spouse are fighting about those things that weren't even issues before.  

And then, of course, beyond creating resenting and conflict, these types of conversations open the door to potential infidelity.  If we share too much information about our spouse or our marriage with a friend or co-worker of the opposite sex, it is common to start developing deeper feelings for that person and begin thinking of them as the person to share intimate or personal information with, instead of our spouse.  This leads to distance in the marriage and amplifies any existing issues, and more often than not, leads to emotional and/or physical infidelity.

Our marriages are meant to be safe places, where we trust that our secrets, vulnerabilities, fears, worries, and hang-ups won't be shared with others.  We need to feel confident in our spouse to be that safe space for us and for the marriage, that they have our best interest at heart and wouldn't purposely do anything to hurt us.  This is part of what makes a marriage special.  So it's important for husbands and wives to agree to protect their marital bond as a team.

The Sharing Spectrum

This is the spectrum of what can and cannot be shared and with whom they can and cannot be shared.

What Should Stary Private Within the Marriage?

  • Intimate Details (e.g. finances, sex life, personal arguments)
  • Challenges Still Being Worked Through as a Couple
  • Personal Information Shared with Your Spouse in Confidence

What Can Be Shared (within reason and with permission)?

  • General, non-sensitive updates
  • Seeking general advise for individual growth (e.g. self-care, stress management, etc.)

Who Is It Safe to Share With?

With this, I think it's very important to consider the reasons WHY  you want to share THIS information with THIS specific person.  I think if we examine they why, then we may make better decisions about who to share with.  It's a good idea for couples to ask each other if there people that one partner in a couple can or should feel comfortable sharing things with AND are there people that you would strong caution against sharing information with, period?
  • Trusted Confidantes (e.g. therapist, mentor, pastor, or someone you both agree has your marriage's best interest at heart)
  • Avoid oversharing with friends/family who  may take sides or amplify issues with their own biases.

Setting Healthy Boundaries with Others

It's always a good idea to have a plan ahead of time, so that you're prepared should someone try to pry too deeply into your relationship.

  • When People Pry
    • You and your spouse can discuss together how to politely redirect or deflect intrusive questions.
      • For example:  "We're working on it together, but thank you for your concern." or "It's nothing we can't handle together.  Thank you.

  • Managing Well-Meaning Family & Friends
    • You and your spouse can discuss early in the relationship, how to communicate to others, gently, but firmly, about your boundaries in regards to what you are willing to share about your relationship.
      • If you and your spouse do develop some agreements about being able to share certain information with certain people, make sure you set expectations for confidentiality with those people, as well, if you do choose to confide in them.

  • Dealing with Persistent or Toxic Influences
    • In my experience,  these are often co-workers or "work friends" or sometimes even people at work who may be interested in us or in our spouse, as more than a friend.
      • When we are aware of these types of people in our environment, it's important to learn how to minimize interactions or create distance when necessary.  If we don't minimize our contact, then we are essentially inviting these people in.  And this can be a VERY slippery slope.
    • In these situations, it's important to reiterate the importance of prioritizing your spouse and your marriage over outside opinions and unsolicited "advice" from friendships that have the potential to turn into something more, if given too much leeway.

Tools & Takeaways

  • Know the Why
    • As I mentioned before, it's extremely important to consider and think about WHY you feel the need to share the specific information you want to share and WHY you want to share it with a specific person.
      • If you're sharing it with someone of the opposite sex, because you feel like they "understand you so well" or you're sharing it with a friend because you want someone to take your side, those are not healthy or productive reasons.  You may want to reconsider.
  • The 24 Hour Rule
    • Wait a day before "venting" or sharing something sensitive outside your marriage.  This often gives you enough time to reflect on the situation and approach it more rationally, rather than emotionally.  This gives enough time to determine if sharing the information with a specific person will be helpful or harmful to the marriage.  Again, it's important to understand WHY you're sharing with this other person.  The 24 hours gives you time to understand or re-evaluate your "why".
  • Marriage Check In
    • Regularly discuss how each spouse feels about outside influences.  This should be an ongoing topic of discussion, to make sure that both spouses are taking steps to keep the marriage safe from outside influences.  This could be part of what's included in your Family Meetings, that I've shared about in previous blog posts.
  • Couples Counseling
    • Advocate for professional support when advice or guidance is needed.  A professional therapist is bound by confidentiality and should be non-judgmental, so if you are really struggling in your marriage or you want to make sure you maintain a healthy marriage, seeking professional help is always recommended.

If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here.

If you're interested in couples or individual counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.


Instagram - @brittaniedmillslmft
Phone - (925) 335-6122
 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular Posts