10/12 - Closeness, Conflict, & Connection: Attachment in Marriage
Closeness, Conflict, and Connection: Attachment in Marriage
Have you ever noticed how you and your spouse respond so differently in moments of stress? Maybe one of you wants to talk everything out right away, while the other needs space and shuts down. Or maybe one of you avoids conflict at all costs. Or maybe you find yourself getting anxious if your partner doesn’t text back quickly, while they’re perfectly fine going hours without checking in.
If any of that sounds familiar, you’re not alone—and there’s a reason behind it.
It’s called attachment style, and it plays a huge role in the way we connect, communicate, and handle conflict in marriage, or in any relationships, honestly. Attachment styles are usually developed in early childhood, based on our interactions, or lack thereof, with our primary caregivers. We develop coping mechanisms to manage the level of attachment we receive.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment theory began with researchers John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, who studied how children form bonds with caregivers. What they found is that early experiences of safety, comfort, and responsiveness shape the way we learn to love—and those patterns often show up in our adult relationships.
The four main attachment styles are:
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Secure: Comfortable with closeness and independence. Able to communicate needs openly. This is probably the most healthy attachment style.
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Anxious (Preoccupied): Worries about being abandoned or not loved enough. Often craves reassurance. People with this attachment style often show up as people pleasers or as being very needy.
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Avoidant (Dismissive): Values independence. May withdraw or shut down in conflict. These are the people who will avoid conflict at all costs, even if it damages the relationship in the long wrong.
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Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized): A mix of wanting closeness but fearing it. Can send mixed signals in relationships. Those with this type of attachment style, crave closeness, but when they get it, it feels very overwhelming, causing them to push away.
It’s important to remember: these styles aren’t “good” or “bad.” They’re just starting points for self-awareness.
How Attachment Styles Show Up in Marriage
Our attachment styles influence:
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How we communicate (Are we direct, indirect, or avoidant?)
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How we handle conflict (Do we pursue, withdraw, or explode?)
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How we experience intimacy (Do we lean in or pull away?)
For example, an anxious partner may get more demanding when they feel ignored, while an avoidant partner may shut down when things feel too intense. Together, they create the classic pursue-withdraw cycle—one chases closeness, the other runs from it.
Sound familiar?
Recognizing these patterns doesn’t mean your marriage is broken—it means you’re human. And it’s the first step toward change. It's these attachment styles that often bring the life to the relationship, even if it's also what brings difficulty.
Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes! This is the best news: attachment styles are not permanent. With intentional effort and professional help, you can learn new ways of relating that bring greater safety, trust, and intimacy to your marriage. But you have to be willing to put in the work. Changing a lifelong pattern of interaction takes time and practice. It also usually means you will have to push yourself out of your comfort zone, in order to learn other coping mechanisms. Regardless, the goal is to move closer to the Secure Attachment style.
Some practical steps:
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Get curious about your triggers. Notice when you feel anxious, shut down, or reactive. Determine what exactly caused you to feel that way. Was it a specific word or phrase, or was it a tone of voice. Did something your partner say or do, remind you a harsh or critical parent? The more you can be aware of what triggers these feelings or responses, the easier it will be to begin to make changes.
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Communicate vulnerably. Instead of blaming, try: “I feel worried when I don’t hear from you. Can you reassure me?” Once you're aware of the triggers or causes of your uncomfortable attachment feelings, it's best to be open and honest with your partner so they too can try to interact differently with you, being more sensitive to your needs.
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Create safety together. Consistency builds trust. Small, reliable actions matter more than grand gestures. If both you and your partner recognize the triggers, you can work together to help each other move more toward a secure attachment. As I always say, awareness is half the battle.
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Seek support. Therapy, books, or podcasts (😉) can guide you toward healthier patterns. If changing your attachment style on your own feels difficult, you can seek professional help from a therapist. You can also check out the Married & Confused Podcast episode on this topic, where my colleague and I playfully discuss attachment styles and relate them to Halloween themes.
Final Thoughts
Your attachment style doesn’t define you—it describes where you’ve been and how you got where you are. And your marriage doesn’t have to repeat old patterns. With self-awareness, compassion, and intentional growth, you and your spouse can build a secure, connected relationship that feels safe, supportive, and deeply fulfilling.
✨ Want to dive deeper? Listen to Episode 46 of the Married & Confused podcast: “Attached at the Heart: How Attachment Styles Shape Your Marriage.” 🎧 You can find that episode by clicking here.
You can also review my previous blog post about Attachment Styles in Marriage. You can find that blog post by clicking here.
If you'd like to read any of my previous blog posts, please click here.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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