7/26 - Sexless Marriage: 7 Common Causes & How to Rebuild Intimacy
Sexless Marriage:
7 Common Causes and How to Rebuild Intimacy
Very few relationship topics carry as much shame and silence as a sexless marriage. Many couples struggle with declining physical intimacy but feel too embarrassed to talk about it—even with each other. But the funny thing is, is that it is WAY more common than you might think.
If this describes your relationship, you're not alone. Research suggests that many long-term couples experience periods of little or no sexual intimacy. Some last weeks or months, and some may last years. While every marriage is different, one thing is true: a sexless marriage doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is failing. More often, it's a sign that something beneath the surface needs attention. It's not a death sentence for your marriage.
The good news? Many couples can repair their physical connection by first addressing the emotional, relational, and practical issues contributing to the distance.
What Is Considered a Sexless Marriage?
There's no universally accepted definition, but many researchers define a sexless marriage as one in which a couple has sex fewer than 10 times per year. That's less than an average of once a month. For some couples, maybe it's been years.
However, frequency alone doesn't determine the health of a relationship. Every couple has a different "normal." Some couples are satisfied with less frequent intimacy, while others feel disconnected despite having sex regularly. Sexless is better defined by what you and your partner consider "acceptable".
So a better question to ask is:
Are both partners satisfied with the level of physical and emotional intimacy in the relationship?
If one or both spouses feel lonely, rejected, or disconnected, it's worth exploring why.
A Sexless Marriage Is Often a Symptom, Not the Root Problem
One of the biggest misconceptions is that the lack of sex is the primary issue. In many cases, it's actually a symptom of deeper challenges or unspoken issues within the relationship or an individual's life.
Rather than asking, "Why aren't we having sex?" it can be more helpful to ask:
- What's making it difficult for us to connect?
- What has changed over time?
- What needs aren't being met?
Understanding the underlying cause is often the first step toward rebuilding intimacy. Th ese conversations often require a lot of vulnerability. And vulnerability is usually something that is hard to come by, when things have gotten to this point in a marriage. So know ahead of time, these questions are likely to lead to difficult, honest conversations. Make sure that both partners knows what to expect. And enter the conversations with an open mind.
Common Causes of a Sexless Marriage
1. Emotional Disconnection
Physical intimacy often reflects the emotional health of a relationship.
When couples stop spending quality time together, stop sharing their thoughts and feelings, or begin functioning more like roommates than romantic partners, sexual intimacy often declines as well.
Signs of emotional disconnection include:
- Conversations that revolve only around responsibilities, logistics, or other surface topics.
- Feeling misunderstood or emotionally alone; or feeling unseen, unheard, or unvalued. This frequently comes from one or both partners being extremely critical toward the other.
- Lack of affection. Affection isn't just about sex, it's all the little things we do with each other. It could include holding hands when together, hugging and kissing, putting an arm around the other, and other similar physical demonstrations of the love and affection that is shared.
- Spending little meaningful time together. There are seasons of life when this is inevitable to a certain degree, but we must all be intentional about scheduling time together.
Rebuilding friendship is often one of the most effective ways to rekindle intimacy.
This can take the form of remembering what made you fall in love with each other in the first place and thinking about the things you used to enjoy together, early in your relationship. Then doing some of those things again. Find what worked in the past and revisit it. Start by building on what you know was successful.
2. Unresolved Conflict and Resentment
It's difficult to feel physically close to someone when emotional wounds remain unhealed. Or when those emotional wounds continue to be inflicted upon you.
Arguments that never get resolved, repeated disappointments, criticism, or broken trust can slowly erode desire.
Many couples find that once they begin addressing unresolved conflict in healthier ways, physical intimacy naturally improves. And this is where I warn couples that it's going to get harder before it gets easier. You're likely to hear some things you don't want to hear. But don't get defensive. Truly listen to hear your partner and be responsive to what their heart is saying.
The skill of Reflective Listening can really be helpful in these situations. If this is where you find your marriage at this time, I encourage you to go back to the blog post from September 22, 2024, titled "Mirror, Mirror...9 Tips for Reflective Listening"
If these conversations become too difficult for the two of you to manage on your own, you may want to strongly consider seeking professional marriage counseling.
3. Stress and Exhaustion
Modern life leaves many couples running on empty.
Work demands.
Children.
Financial pressure.
Household responsibilities.
Caregiving.
And the list goes on...
When people are mentally and physically exhausted, sex often becomes one more task on an already overwhelming to-do list. And that's the last thing we want sex and intimacy to be...just a task on a to-do list.
Oftentimes the issue isn't a lack of love or desire—it's simply a lack of energy. And that's why it is so important to be intention about scheduling alone time together. Plan and overnight getaway, just you and your partner. Or even, just get someone to watch the kids away from the house, so that you can be at home alone together, and energy doesn't have to be divided.
4. Medical or Hormonal Changes
Physical health plays a significant role in sexual desire. And it feels like it outside of your control.
Common contributors include:
- Hormonal changes
- Menopause
- Low testosterone
- Thyroid disorders
- Diabetes
- Chronic pain
- Medication side effects
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Sleep disorders
If desire changes suddenly or dramatically, it's worth discussing with a healthcare provider. Have them run a full battery of tests to find out exactly what's going on with your body, and then follow the recommended course of action. And I have to say, that while you're asking for these tests, it is really important to advise your doctor that you are noticing that your sex life or libido is suffering as a result. That way they recognize the importance of finding the cause and determining a solution.
5. Differences in Sexual Desire
It's completely normal for partners to have different levels of sexual desire. And it's common for those levels to shift and change over the years. When you first got together, maybe your desire levels were equal, but somewhere over the years, they've become unbalanced.
The problem isn't necessarily that one spouse wants sex more often.
The challenge is how couples respond to those differences.
When higher-desire partners feel rejected and lower-desire partners feel pressured, a painful cycle can develop that leaves both people feeling misunderstood. It's important again, to talk about what's going on and develop alternative solutions that work for both partners. Maybe sexual intercourse won't happen as frequently as it once did, but are there other "activities" that you both can participate in, that will meet both people's needs, without feelings of rejection?
6. Poor Communication About Sex
Many couples simply don't know how to talk about intimacy. Maybe they never learned because it wasn't discussed in their home growing up. Or maybe they just don't know how to bring it up without feeling awkward.
Instead of expressing vulnerability, conversations often sound like:
"You never want sex."
"All you ever think about is sex."
These statements create defensiveness instead of connection.
Healthy conversations focus on curiosity rather than blame. Conversations that lead with curiosity and gentleness lead to much better outcomes than shame and blame. The goal is open communication, not defensive push back.
7. Past Trauma or Negative Experiences
Past experiences—including sexual trauma, body image struggles, painful sexual experiences, or negative messages about sex—can significantly affect intimacy.
Healing these experiences often requires patience, understanding, and sometimes professional counseling.
How to Begin Repairing a Sexless Marriage
Rebuild Emotional Connection
Healthy intimacy usually starts outside the bedroom.
Make time to:
- Go on regular dates. These don't have to be elaborate and expensive, but the focus is on doing something enjoyable together. In fact, you can even have a date night at home, as long as it's planned well and there aren't other distractions.
- Eat meals together without distractions. When you sit down for dinner, put the phones away. Turn off the tv. Just focus on talking with each other. Have deeper conversations that go beyond just, "How was your day?"
- Ask meaningful questions. Questions lead to interesting conversations and allow you to always be learning about each other. We already noted the importance of curiosity in a relationship.
- Laugh together. They say that laughter is the best medicine, but did you know that there is actual research that shows the healing power of laughter? So, be playful with each other. Joke around. Be silly.
- Express appreciation. Appreciation and gratitude when given on a regular basis, change our brain chemistry and neuropathways. It's like dopamine for our brain. The feel good hormone. Besides, when you're focused on appreciation, it causes you to think about the things that you appreciate about your spouse, so it overrides the negative feelings.
- Show affection throughout the day. Quick touches as you pass in the hallway. Hold hands. Kiss when you leave and come home. You get the idea.
Feeling emotionally connected often creates the conditions for physical intimacy to grow. It breaks down the walls that may otherwise come between you.
Talk Openly About Intimacy
Choose a calm, non-defensive time to discuss your relationship. When you both know that you're going to have the conversation, it allows you both to be better prepared, emotionally. Begin the conversation with an open mind.
Instead of assigning blame, try questions like:
- What helps you feel close to me?
- What makes intimacy difficult right now?
- Is there anything you've been hesitant to tell me?
- What would help you feel more connected?
Approach the conversation as teammates working on a shared problem—not opponents trying to win an argument. This isn't a topic where one person is right and the other is wrong. It's a problem that both of you need to come up with a solution for...together.
Increase Non-Sexual Affection
For some couples, every hug or kiss has become associated with the expectation of sex.
That can unintentionally create anxiety, especially for the partner with lower desire. And that anxiety often leads to that partner avoiding affection of any kind, because they don't want to create unrealistic expectations. Maybe even talk about the need to increase affection with no strings attached and no expectations. (Sure, if something happens anyway, with both partners consent, GREAT!)
Instead, intentionally practice affection with no expectations attached:
- Hold hands.
- Hug often.
- Sit close together.
- Kiss hello and goodbye.
- Cuddle while watching television.
Affection builds emotional safety, and emotional safety often strengthens physical intimacy over time. Affection without expectation of sex is just one of several small steps you both will take toward emotional safety and therefore, increased intimacy. The more comfortable you each get with showing physical affection without there being any pressure for something else, the desire will build.
Reduce Stress Where Possible
We all have stress in our lives, and while stress can't be eliminated, it can often be managed.
Look for opportunities to:
- Share household responsibilities. Lighten each other's load.
- Improve sleep habits. Agree together to go to bed earlier or to practice bedtime routines that reduce stress and increase calmness.
- Protect time together. Set aside time for each other, even if it's just 20 minutes a day.
- Limit unnecessary commitments. Don't overschedule yourself, your partner or your family. Leave some breathing room.
- Create opportunities for rest. Plan days or times that are just for rest and relaxation.
Sometimes improving overall quality of life has a surprising impact on a couple's sex life.
Address Physical Health
If medical concerns may be contributing, don't ignore them.
A conversation with your physician about hormone levels, medications, chronic health conditions, sleep, or mental health may identify treatable factors affecting intimacy. And make sure you tell your physician how your health or mental health is affecting your intimacy.
Be Patient
If your marriage has been sexless for months—or years—it probably won't change overnight.
Avoid placing pressure on yourselves to "fix everything" immediately. It didn't change overnight, so you can't expect it to be fixed overnight.
Celebrate progress instead of perfection. Every step in the right direction deserves recognition.
One honest conversation.
One date night.
One affectionate moment.
One step toward rebuilding trust.
Small changes, practiced consistently, often lead to significant improvements over time.
When to Seek Professional Help
If you've tried talking without success—or if resentment, trauma, communication difficulties, or emotional distance continue to stand in the way—it may be time to work with a couples therapist. Having that third party helping to mediate difficult conversations and teach new communication skills can go a long way toward healing and restoration.
A therapist can help you identify the underlying issues contributing to the lack of intimacy, improve communication, and develop practical strategies for rebuilding your connection.
Seeking help isn't a sign that your relationship has failed. It's a sign that you're investing in your future together. It's a sign that you still care enough to fix things.
Final Thoughts
A sexless marriage can feel lonely, frustrating, and discouraging, and it might even make you feel angry, but it doesn't have to define your relationship.
In many cases, the absence of physical intimacy is pointing to needs that haven't yet been addressed. By approaching the issue with honesty, compassion, curiosity, and a willingness to work together, couples can often rebuild both emotional and physical closeness. And in fact, they can come to enjoy a stronger, deeper relationship than they had in the past.
The goal isn't simply to have more sex (although I realize that will be nice). The goal is to create a relationship where both partners feel seen, valued, understood, and connected. When that foundation grows stronger, physical intimacy often follows naturally.
If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here or visit the Blog tab on my website.
If you're interested in couples or individual counseling, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Ohio, and Florida.
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