Mirror, Mirror: 9 Tips for Reflective Listening

Reflective Listening: Tips for Couples in Therapy

One of the main issues that couples come to therapy for is communication problems.  In fact, communication is often at the heart of many relationship challenges. Reflective Listening is a powerful tool that can help couples bridge gaps, deepen understanding, and rebuild trust. As a therapist, here are some tips I often share with couples to help them master the art of reflective listening in their relationship.

1. Prioritize a Calm and Open Environment

For reflective listening to be effective, both partners need to feel safe and comfortable. This means setting aside time to talk when neither of you is rushed, distracted, or overly emotional. Choose a time when you can both focus on the conversation and each other.

• Pro Tip:Agree on a “talk time” where you can sit together without distractions like phones or TV. This dedicated time shows your commitment to really hearing each other.  I often suggest starting with a weekly "family meeting", in which both partners know that it's a designated time to talk and what the agenda is.  (You can read my previous blog post about Family Meetings, here.

2. Listen with the Intent to Understand, Not to Win

One of the biggest challenges in communication is the tendency to listen defensively, ready to counter or correct. In reflective listening, the goal is to understand your partner’s perspective, even if you don’t agree with it.  Human nature is to listen in an effort to determine how to respond.  And by doing that we really aren't listening at all.  We turn our mental functioning to creating a response.  Pause and slow down, so you can truly hear what your partner is saying.

• Pro Tip: Approach the conversation with curiosity. Ask yourself, “What is my partner really trying to tell me?” rather than thinking about how to respond or defend yourself.  If it helps, jot down notes when your partner talks, if nothing else, so that you can remember a point you'd like to come back to later, and at minimum, to help you remember specific points your partner is making.  

3. Reflect Back What You Hear in Your Own Words

Reflective listening involves summarizing what your partner has said to ensure you’ve understood correctly. This reflection should be in your own words, capturing the essence of their message without parroting.

• Pro Tip: Use phrases like, “It sounds like you’re saying…” or “What I’m hearing is…” to reflect back. This helps clarify any misunderstandings and shows your partner that you’re truly listening.  This allows your partner to know you were listening and gives them space to correct any misconceptions about what you said.

4 .Acknowledge the Emotions Behind the Words

Couples often communicate not just facts, but feelings. Recognizing and validating these emotions is crucial in reflective listening. It helps to build empathy and emotional connection.  Don't just listen to "what" they're saying verbally, but also listen to what to the emotions under their words.  Even listen to what they're NOT saying.

• Pro Tip:   If your partner expresses frustration, you might say, “I can see that this situation has made you really upset.” This acknowledgment shows that you’re not just hearing the words but also connecting with the emotions behind them.  Offer them a break, if it seems that the frustration will get in the way, so that they can ultimately have a productive conversation.

5.  Practice Taking Turns

Reflective listening works best when both partners take turns speaking and listening. This ensures that each person feels heard and has the chance to fully express themselves.

• Pro Tip:  Establish a rhythm where one partner speaks and the other listens without interruption. After reflecting back, switch roles. This practice helps maintain balance in the conversation and prevents it from becoming one-sided.  This is where jotting down a note or two while the other person is talking, can be helpful.

6.  Ask for Clarification When Needed

If something your partner says isn’t clear, don’t hesitate to ask for more information. This shows that you’re engaged and want to fully understand their perspective.  Clarification allows you to get a better understanding.  This is often necessary when starting the practice of Reflective Listening, because it has caused you to slow down and truly listen to the emotions behind your partners words.  So many of my clients have expressed that when they listen to understand and gain clarification, they often have an entirely different perspective of how their partner is feeling.

• Pro Tip: Use open-ended questions like, “Can you explain what you meant by that?” or “Can you tell me more about how you’re feeling?” This encourages deeper dialogue and can prevent misunderstandings.  Part of the goal of Reflective Listening is to encourage additional dialogue.  This is often what's been missing in the couple's communication.

7.  Avoid Jumping to Solutions

In couples therapy, it’s common for one partner to want to quickly “fix” the problem. However, reflective listening is about understanding, not solving. Solutions can come later, after both partners feel fully heard.  This is especially true for men, as they are "wired" to be fixers.  Their natural tendency is find a solution whenever they are presented with a problem.  In fact, I often recommend that when a woman just wants to share her feelings or have a discussion with her husband, but isn't looking for a solution, that she pre-empt the conversation by stating that she isn't looking for a solution, but simply for her husband to listen.  This gives the husband the clear cue of what their wife is looking for in the conversation.

• Pro Tip: Focus on listening and reflecting first, before discussing potential solutions. You might say, “Let’s make sure we both understand each other before we talk about what to do next.”  Again, if you'd like more information on Family Meetings, click here.  Or if you'd like to know more about the 3 Questions Framework for Family Meetings, click here.

8. Be Patient and Give Space

Reflective listening requires patience, especially when discussing sensitive or emotionally charged topics. Allow your partner to express themselves fully, even if it takes time.  One or both partners may find themselves getting heated during a discussion and feel unable to fully listen or productively discuss.  if this  happens, agree to a short time out, where each partner steps away from the discussion for 5-10 minutes, cools down, and returns to finish the discussion with a clear head.  Each partner should have the ability to call a Time Out, if needed.  If you want to read more about Time Outs, click here.

• Pro Tip:  Resist the urge to fill pauses or rush your partner. Sometimes, the most important thoughts come after a moment of silence. Giving space shows respect for your partner’s process.  With many of the couples I work with, one partner often is the type of person who needs additional time to process information and response.  While this may be frustrating to the other partner, they will need to respect their partner's space.

9. Practice Regularly

Like with any new skill, Reflective Listening improves with practice. The more you engage in this form of communication, the more natural it will become, leading to stronger, more empathetic conversations.  This will require an intentionality on each partner's part.  They will need to focus on listening and responding in this way.  

• Pro Tip:  Incorporate Reflective Listening into your daily interactions, not just during conflicts. Even during simple conversations, try to reflect back what your partner says. This will make it easier to use during more challenging discussions.  I encourage couples to start the practice on simple, non-emotional, generic topics, so as to make the practice a little easier, until they begin to get the hang of it.  I also have couples practice during session, so that I can help monitor, mediate, and re-direct, if needed.

Conclusion

Reflective Listening is a powerful tool for couples looking to enhance their communication and deepen their connection. By creating a safe environment, focusing on understanding, reflecting emotions, and practicing patience, couples can transform their conversations and their relationship. With regular practice, reflective listening can help couples not only resolve conflicts but also build a stronger, more empathetic partnership.

If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here.

If you've noticed that you and your spouse's communication is not as good as it used to be or you find yourself feeling unheard, please consider couples counseling. You can visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

I provide online couples counseling throughout Tennessee, South Carolina, Florida, & Callifornia

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