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Fair Fighting Rules for Couples - Rule #5

 

As a Couple's Counselor, I've been asked to help couples learn to fight fairly.  Because, hey, all couples disagree and fight, to some extent or another.  So, I wanted to share some tips on how to have fair and productive fights with your husband or wife.  Wouldn't you rather have a productive fight, instead of one where you both end up hurting each other?


So I'm providing a 10 part blog series, addressing some common Rules for Fair Fighting.

During the first week I shared Rule #1 - Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.
To read that post, click here:

During the second week, I shared Rule #2 - 

Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them; own and express your feelings, respectfully.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-2.html


During the third week, I shared Rule #3 - Take Turns Talking, which goes hand in hand with Reflective Listening.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-3.html


During the fourth week, I shared about Rule #4 - Take a Time Out if things get too heated.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-4.html


This week, I'm sharing about Rule #5 - No Stonewalling


Oftentimes, during an argument, we get overwhelmed with what's going on and just want to shut down. Sometimes we get so angry that we can't find the words or we don't want to say something out of anger. Or sometimes, we just can't think on our feet quick enough to respond. It feels like the the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. Let's face it, this will definitely end the argument.  This refusal to communicate is called stonewalling. 

But this only ends the argument temporarily. In fact, if you do this, it often leads to built up resentment in your spouse You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved.  Not talking doesn't solve anything. It leads to anger, hurt, and resentment. And we all know that if resentment builds up over time, the relationship breaks down. There are other ways to handle this situation.


If, in the moment, you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time out and agree to resume the discussion at a later time. Like we discussed earlier, this should be a pre-arranged agreement and the time out shouldn't last indefinitely or until you're "ready", because chances are, you will never truly feel ready.


The idea here is that you then use this time out as a chance to gather and organize your thoughts so that you can present them in a logical manner, without your emotions then getting in the way. The other thing you might find happening during the time out is that you have time to think about your spouse's point of view and come to realize that maybe they have a good point or are right, after all. And that's okay too. I mean, you are a team and hopefully have the team's best interest at heart.


I bet you're saying, but Brittanie, what about when we stil can't agree, even after a time out. Great! That's what I'll be talking about next week - Rule #6 - Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding.


Thanks for taking the time to read this blog post.


If you'd like more direct and personal help with your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.


I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.


If you'd like to see any of my other blog posts, please click here.


Website - www.brittaniedmilslmft.com

Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com

Phone - (925) 335-6122

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/brittaniedmillslmft

Instagram - @brittanedmillslmft

Podcast - www.facebook.com/marriedandconfusedpodcast
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