Communication Tips for Couples #3

 

Couples Communication Tip #3

One of the biggest topics that bring folks to couples counseling is lack of communication.  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing some basic communication tips for couples.  

Today's tip is about Reflective Listening.  I mentioned this at the end of Tip #2.  This is one of the most effective communication strategies, not only in relationships, but anywhere that communication get jammed up.

I'm not going to lie, Reflective Listening takes practice AND takes intentionality, but when you use it, it can actually make a world of difference.

Here are the 5 Steps to Reflective Listening:

1)  Listen to Hear

Typically when we're in a discussion with someone and they're talking, expressing their point, we are already thinking of what we want to say next or how we're going to dispute their point.  We're not listening to truly hear what the other person has to say.  In this first step, we need to actually stop and listen.  Hear what your partner is saying.

2)  Listen to understand.

Again, in discussion we often aren't listening to try to understand the other person, we are listening just enough to see how we can use their words to get THEM to understand US.  Again, this means you aren't really listening to what they have to say.  Similar to listening to hear, this requires that we pause, turn off our inner dialogue, and just listen.  In this manner of listening, with all the other "noises" turned down, we can seek to understand where are partner is coming from.

3)  Reflect Back

Ahh, this is the hard part!  And it only works well if you followed the first two steps.  

Once your partner is done talking, you will reflect back to them, the summary or essence of what they just shared.  It's almost a test of whether or not you were listening well.  You can say something like, "So what I hear you say is...".  Once you've reflected back, you partner has the opportunity to clarify anything you may have missed or affirm your summary.

This can go back on forth several times, until you hae accurately summarized what your partner had to say.  By doing this, you may get a different perspective on the situation and it may allow you to change your perspective or be open to a compromise that works for both of you.

4)  Switch!

Once you've had the opportunity to listen to your partner and reflect back,  you get a chance to share your position.  After all, communication is a two way street.  You can ask your partner to do the same for you - to listen openly and then to reflect back.  And you can repeat the process until they can clearly and accurately summarize what you had to say.

5)  Resolution

While this process doesn't ALWAYS lead to resolution, it does often help couples come to a compromise or at a minimum, helps you understand each other better.  And by understanding each other better, you each can shift how you interact with each other.

Next week, we'll talk about using "I" Statements, which can be effectely woven into Reflective Listening.  

If  you and your partner are fighting a lot and can't seem to get unstuck, you may want to revisit Couples Communication Tip #1.

Follow this blog for more tips in the coming weeks.

If you'd like to see previous blog posts on Fair Fighting Rules in Marriage, Couples Communication, Self-Esteem, or Anxiety, please click here https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/

If you'd like more direct and personal help with improving communication in your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

I provide online couples counseling throughout Tennessee, South Carolina, Florida, & California.

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