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Communication Tips for Couples #4

 


Communication Tips for Couples #4


One of the biggest topics that bring folks to couples counseling is lack of communication.  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing some basic communication tips for couples.  

Today's tip is about "I" Statements.  This can be a very effective communication strategy, because it doesn't put the other person immediately on the defensive.  And, in fact, it allows them to better understand the direct impact their words and actions have on their partner.

"I" Statements go hand in hand with Reflective Listening, as we discussed last week.  In fact, it should be a common statement used in Reflective Listening.  
The format of "I" Statements is: "I feel______when you______because_____."

In the first blank, you insert how you feel, such as sad, worried, angry. You are identifying your feeling, without it feeling like blame. You are taking ownership and responsibility of your own feelings.
For example, "I feel frustrated when you..."

In the second blank, you insert your partner's action or words that make you feel that way. This makes it clear to your partner exactly what they did that caused your hurt or frustration.
For example, "I feel frustrated when you come home late because...

And, finally, in the third blank, you insert the reason for your feelings; the why behind them. So often our partners don't realize how their words or actions can be perceived. They aren't trying to hurt us on purpose, yet they are unaware of the impact.
For example, "I feel frustrated when you come home late because I stay awake worrying."

"I" Statements explain the why and the what. But it also helps clue them in to their role in your feelings. By taking ownership and responsibility of our own feelings, we can significantly improve our communication, especially when we feel hurt or angry. This strategy allows us to communicate the things that are upsetting us, with our partners (or friends and family, for that matter), while minimizing the blame.

The typical way that people communicate, especially when upset, is to immediately blame or lash out. It's our human nature to react that way. However, that method of communication doesn't work. And that's probably one of the reason's you're reading this blog post! When we fall to our default, human response of blame, the person we are spaking to often becomes defensive. And when our partner becomes defensive, they are unable to really hear what we are trying to say and the feelings we are trying to convey to them. Once that happens, the entire conversation is unproductive and, in fact, often leading to a bigger fight and decreased communication.

I have seen this happen time and time again with couples I work with. When we practice this in session, I am there to mediate and help them stick to the process. And when they use this strategy, especially in conjunction with Reflective Listening, it's always amazing to witness how things unfold. It's like a lightbulb turns on for the other person and they can finally see what's happening and how they are hurting their partner. They just needed to slow down and communicate differently, so that each of them could accurately reflect their feelings and be heard. This almost always opens the door to a genuine desire in our partner, to change their behaviors. Not because you've nagged them, or shamed them, but because both of you took the time to slow down and express yourselves. So they want to change their behaviors because they truly don't want to hurt their partner.

This also leads to improved respect and closeness in the relationship. But we'll talk about respect in a future blog post.

Next week's Communication Tip is Overcommunication.

If  you and your partner are fighting a lot and can't seem to get unstuck, you may want to revisit the previous three tips:

Follow this blog for more tips in the coming weeks.

If you'd like to see previous blog posts on Fair Fighting Rules in Marriage, Couples Communication, Self-Esteem, or Anxiety, please click here https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/

If you'd like more direct and personal help with improving communication in your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.

I provide online couples counseling throughout California and Florida.


Website - www.brittaniedmilslmft.com

Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com

Phone - (925) 335-6122


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