10/19 - The Silent Marriage Killer: Avoidance & 5 Tips to Break the Cycle
The Silent Marriage Killer: Avoidance
and 5 Tips to Break the Cycle
Exploring how conflict avoidance damages relationships—and how to heal
I bet when you think of threats to marriage, you picture infidelity, heated arguments, or financial strain. But one of the most damaging patterns isn't always obvious at first glance and doesn’t always look explosive. In fact, it can look deceptively peaceful. Too peaceful.
It’s called avoidance—and over time, it quietly erodes connection, intimacy, and trust.
Some couples I've worked with start by telling me that their relationship is really good and they never fight, but they just need to learn how to communicate better. Well, that's a red flag for me. No relationship never has disagreements. They may not be huge, but every couple encounters disagreements. In fact, I tell couples that if they DON'T fight, that's when I get worried. It really all comes down to how you handle your disagreements.
In the last blog post, I talked about different attachment styles and Avoidant was one of those attachment styles. This blog post dives a little deeper into the idea of conflict avoidance.
What Is Conflict Avoidance?
Conflict avoidance happens when one or both partners regularly choose silence over addressing an issue. Instead of working through disagreements, feelings get swallowed, brushed aside, or minimized.
Sometimes one partner is so afraid of disrupting the peace, that they choose not to discuss what's upsetting them. They'd rather exist in a world of false harmony, than to actually confront and resolve the issues.
It might look like:
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Saying “I’m fine” when you’re really hurt. We often say this to avoid defensiveness from our spouse. Or you don't want to discuss further because you might realize that your spouse is as insensitive as they seem.
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Changing the subject when your spouse brings up a hard topic. You may find all kinds of excuses, such as, "It's too late to discuss that now. Can we talk about it tomorrow?", hoping they will forget to bring it back up. We usually do this when it's a topic we know will be difficult or bring up some negative emotions.
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Pretending something doesn’t bother you—even when it does. Many of us are taught to keep the peace or harmony in the marriage. To stay quiet about little things. But this is how resentment gets built up in relationships. If we pretend like things don't bother us, after a few months or a few years, we end up exploding because we can no longer hold our frustrations in or we get very short fused with our spouse, because we are trying to manage all the things that bother us, without actually addressing them. It's okay to have conversations with your spouse about the things that bother you.
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Withdrawing physically or emotionally when tension arises. This tends to happen more for women than men. Women tend to interconnect everything, so stressors affect physicality or even intimacy. Women will avoid intimacy if they're mad or if there is unresolved conflict, or even a recent argument. Men tend to be better able to compartmentalize, so they may encounter a stressor, but still be able to be physical or intimate with their wives. For men, tension and intimacy don't have to compete with each other; they can both exist at the same time. Or shortly after. Where do you think "make-up sex" comes from?
On the surface, this can seem like keeping the peace. But what’s really happening is that problems go underground, where they quietly grow. Anger, bitterness, and resentment build over time, slowly chipping away at the relationship.
Why Avoidance Is So Harmful
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It Creates Distance.
Every time a concern goes unspoken, emotional intimacy takes a hit. Over time, you and your spouse may feel more like roommates than partners. Unconsciously we begin to believe that distance = safety. And while we may temporarily feel safer, we are eroding the very ties that bind us together in a relatioship. -
Resentment Builds.
Unaddressed frustrations don’t disappear. They pile up until they leak out in sarcasm, passive-aggressive comments, or sudden explosions. This is when we begin to see men or women who are constantly complaining about their spouse, how they can't do anything right, how they don't care, etc. They've piled up those frustrations so high they can no longer see the good in their spouse. And this is also when we are most vulnerable to infidelity. -
Trust Erodes.
Marriage requires honesty. If one or both partners can’t voice what’s real, trust slowly weakens. I mentioned safety a few paragraphs back. If you don't feel safe in your marriage, then you stop being real with each other. You stop being vulnerable, because you are too afraid of how that vulnerability or transparency is going to be used against you later. This is where that erosion of trust begins. And this is why frequent communication is so vital in a healthy marriage. -
Problems Multiply.
Avoiding a problem doesn’t solve it. It simply ensures it will resurface later—often bigger and more complicated than before. So, picture this...every week you sweep the house and every week you sweep that pile of crumbs under the rug. Did you actually get rid of the crumbs? No! All you did was hide them temporarily. And after several months of doing that, what do you notice? A big lump under the carpet. All you did was make the mess bigger instead of taking care of it when it was still small. Same holds true with problems in a marriage
Why Do Couples Avoid Conflict?
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Fear of rejection: “If I say how I feel, they’ll leave or be upset with me.” "They'll get defensive and turn it all back on me."
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Belief that conflict = bad marriage: Some individuals grew up in homes where fights were destructive, so they see disagreement as dangerous. Conflict was not handled in a healthy way, so all they saw was that conflict leads to a bad marriage.
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Exhaustion: It feels easier to avoid a fight than to engage. Sometimes we're literally too tired. Or we already know our voice won't be heard, so why bother. We begin to believe that a fight or disagreement, just isn't worth our time or energy. We'd rather just ignore or avoid it.
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Perfectionism: A desire to present the marriage as “fine” rather than admit struggles. Especially in these days of social media, where we all want to present ourselves and our relationships as perfect. I have news for you..no marriage is perfect. They all take work.
So How Do We Break the Cycle of Avoidance
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Get Honest With Yourself.
Ask: What am I not saying out loud in my marriage? Why? Identifying the pattern is the first step. Like I always say, awareness is half the battle. -
Start Small.
Don’t unload years of bottled-up frustration in one sitting. Begin with one honest statement, like: “I felt hurt when you canceled our date night.” And start current. Don't start by dredging up old hurts that have long since been put to rest. Bring up a specific incident from the present. Consider starting by having a weekly family meeting. You can read my previous blog post on that topic, here. -
Use “I” Statements.
Instead of blaming (“You never listen to me”), focus on your experience: “I feel lonely when we don’t talk about what’s bothering us, because it leads to us being more and more disconnected." Check out the past blog post about "I" Statements, here. -
Create Safety.
Agree together that conflict is not about “winning” but about understanding each other. This may be a good opportunity to practice Reflective Listening. Remind each other: We’re on the same team. Check out the past blog post about Reflective Listening here, for a refresher on how it work. -
Seek Support.
If avoidance is deeply ingrained, couples therapy can provide tools and a safe space for learning to engage in healthy conflict. It's not a sign of failure or weakness to seek help. In fact, it's a sign of wisdom and strength to recognize that you can't fix it alone. If you reside in CA, TN, SC, or FL, I'd be happy to have a consultation with you, to see if we'd be a good match for couples counseling.
Final Thoughts
Avoidance may feel easier in the moment, but over time, it’s one of the most destructive forces in marriage. True intimacy isn’t the absence of conflict—it’s the ability to face challenges together with honesty, courage, and care. It' requires authenticity, vulnerability, and transparency.
By naming what’s real, even when it’s uncomfortable, you create space for healing and deeper connection.
Your marriage doesn’t need silence. It needs truth spoken in love.
If you'd like to read any of my previous blog posts, please click here.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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