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Fair Fighting Rules for Couples - Rule #6

 

As a Couple's Counselor, I've been asked to help couples learn to fight fairly.  Because, hey, all couples disagree and fight, to some extent or another.  So, I wanted to share some tips on how to have fair and productive fights with your husband or wife.  Wouldn't you rather have a productive fight, instead of one where you both end up hurting each other?


So I'm providing a 10 part blog series, addressing some common Rules for Fair Fighting.

During the first week I shared Rule #1 - Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.
To read that post, click here:

During the second week, I shared Rule #2 - 

Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them; own and express your feelings, respectfully.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-2.html


During the third week, I shared Rule #3 - Take Turns Talking, which goes hand in hand with Reflective Listening.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-3.html


During the fourth week, I shared about Rule #4 - Take a Time Out if things get too heated.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-4.html


Last week I shared about Rule #5 - No Stonewalling

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-5.html



This week, I'm sharing about Rule #6 - Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding

There isn’t always a perfect answer to an argument.  You're not always going to agree and wrap everything up with a nice little bow. Life's just too messy for that.  So what do you do when you can't come to a full agreement? You do your best to come to a compromise (this will mean some give an take from both sides). 


This is often the best, perhaps most equitable way for couples to work through differences of opinion where they were unable to come to agreement. Each person states the things that are important to them on the topic. Then some discussion and bartering begins.


Each person should think of aspects of the issue that they are willing to give up, in order to get some resolution. With compromise, we have to be willing to do some give and take. Each person should be giving up something, until there is a compromise or resolution in which both people can live with. It's kind of like mediation, but it's done just between the two people involved.


The idea is, that while you may not get exactly what you were hoping for, you will both land on something you can live with. This allows for the development of communication skills and helps development an attitude of putting your spouse's needs first. This also means that when there are difficult decisions, no one person always "wins". Again, marriage is about teamwork, not about just one person.


If you still can’t come to a compromise after the bartering and mediation, then sometimes simply understanding can often help soothe the negative feelings. Many times our anger or hurt feelings really comes from a lack of understanding of our spouse's point or view or their feelings. While you may not always agree or even reach a compromise, the next best thing is to minimize the negative feelings.


Another thing that frequently comes up, especially when discussing to compromise, is one spouse bringing up other issues that are on their mind or are causing them frustration, because, again, resentment has already begun to build. When two people are working toward a compromise, it's easy to bring up all the other times they didn't get their way or felt unsatisfied with the end result.


So, next week, I'll be talking about Rule #7 - Discuss one issue at a time.


Thanks for taking the time to read this blog post.


If you'd like more direct and personal help with your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.


I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.


If you'd like to see any of my other blog posts, please click here.


Website - www.brittaniedmilslmft.com

Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com

Phone - (925) 335-6122

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/brittaniedmillslmft

Instagram - @brittanedmillslmft

Podcast - www.facebook.com/marriedandconfusedpodcast


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