8/10 - Is It Normal to Argue This Much? Helping Couples Understand Healthy vs. Harmful Conflict Patterns
Is It Normal to Argue This Much?
Helping Couples Understand
Healthy vs. Harmful Conflict Patterns
Every couple argues. That may come as a relief—or a surprise—but it’s true. In fact, if you told me that you never argue, I'd be more worried. No two people agree about everything, so there's bound to be conflict or arguments. Conflict in marriage is not only normal, it’s also inevitable. You’re two different people with different upbringings, perspectives, and emotional needs. The question isn’t if you argue. It’s how you argue that makes all the difference. It's how you argue and how you resolve conflict.
In all transparency, when my husband and I were first dating, I felt like we argued ALL. THE. TIME. I kept asking myself if that was what our lives were going to be like forever. In fact, at one point, I broke up with my now husband, because I felt like we argued too much. So if you’ve ever wondered, Is it normal to argue this much? — you’re not alone. And you’re asking a really important question.
Let’s break it down.
How Often Do Healthy Couples Argue?
Believe it or not, there's no "right" answer. There’s no magic number when it comes to how often couples should or shouldn’t argue. Some couples raise their voices weekly; others barely disagree out loud. What matters more than frequency is the tone, patterns, and outcomes of those arguments.
✅ Healthy arguments can lead to understanding, compromise, and closeness. The open dialogue and conversations that happen during healthy arguments often draw couples closer to one another.
❌ Harmful arguments often lead to disconnection, resentment, or emotional injury. When couples say hurtful things or bring up the insecurities of the other person, one or both spouses often feel angry or afraid, and then tend to close themselves off from each other.
Here’s how to tell the difference between a Healthy Argument and a Harmful Argument.
Signs of Healthy Conflict
Not all arguments are bad. In fact, they can be opportunities for growth when handled well. Here are some signs your conflict is within a healthy range:
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You stay on topic. The argument doesn’t spiral into bringing up old mistakes or unrelated grievances. Healthy conflict only addresses the issue at hand. It doesn't address a laundry list of grievances.
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You express emotion, but with respect. Even if there’s frustration, name-calling or contempt is absent. I think we all know that name calling or saying other derogatory or hurtful comments serves no good purpose. That is only done for one reason - to hurt the other person. Being respectful is the best way to work toward resolution.
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You both get a chance to speak and feel heard. This is where the skill of Reflective Listening comes into play. Reflective Listening allows both parties to have a turn to speak, while the other person listens to understand. If you'd like to know more about Reflective Listening, click here.
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You’re fighting for the relationship, not just in it. There's a desire to understand, not just to win. As soon as you slip into the attitude of wanting to "win" then you've likely moved into harmful conflict. Conflict that seeks to understand your spouse or to improve the relationship are usually still considered "healthy" conflict. But if your goal is simply to "win" or be right, then you've lost sight of what's important.
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Repair happens. Whether it’s an apology, a hug, or a shared laugh, you find your way back to connection. Harmful conflict causes irreparable damage or damage that takes a long time to recover from. But with healthy conflict, usually an apology or shared laugh can quickly bring the couple back to their norm.
Red Flags for Harmful Conflict Patterns
When conflict becomes destructive, it erodes trust, emotional safety, and intimacy. Watch for these patterns:
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Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing a specific behavior.
“You’re so selfish—you never think about anyone but yourself.” - Even if your comment feels true or your spouse does have that specific character flaw, it's not heathy to bring that into a conflict that originated from a specific disagreement. All that does is hurt your spouse and makes them want to respond in the same way.
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Contempt: Sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, or tone dripping with disrespect.
“Wow, shocker—you forgot again. What a surprise.” - These types of gestures indicate you aren't listening or don't believe what your spouse is saying. It gets your point across, but not in a loving, productive way. Sometimes one spouses uses this tactic when they don't want to get into an actual verbal argument, but feel it's important to make their point.
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Defensiveness: Constantly justifying or deflecting instead of owning your part.
“Well, I wouldn’t do that if you weren’t always nagging me.” - Defensiveness tends to make the other person even more upset, because it's one way of still telling then they are wrong and you are right. People who defend or deflect are either unable to truly reflect on their own behaviors or they feel they are frequently wrongly accused on certain behaviors.
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Stonewalling: Shutting down emotionally, going silent, or walking away without resolution.
- If this is done with no warning and no follow up, then it is unhealthy and harmful, in that it does not contribute to resolution. However, there are times that some silence or a time out is effective and most appropriate. We've talked about "Time Outs" in previous blog posts. But there are done with a previous agreement that the time out is for a specified length of time and that the conversation will resume after that time has passed. It is NOT for an undefined length of time and the conversation must be resumed.
These four patterns—identified by renowned relationship researcher and couples counselor, Dr. John Gottman—are often predictive of long-term relationship distress if left unaddressed.
When Arguments Feel Constant
If it seems like you’re arguing all the time, it doesn’t mean your marriage is beyond repair—but it does mean something needs attention. Frequent conflict can be a sign that:
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You’re missing emotional connection in day-to-day life. People are quicker to anger and conflict when other areas of connection are being ignored or avoided and the tension from that has built up. It often comes out in areas of frequent conflict, usually over small, insignificant things.
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Resentment has built up over time. If conflicts are not addressed fairly quickly after they come up, then resentment often builds. Resentment also builds if one person was upset by something, but never addressed it. So instead, it was left to fester and that's exactly what it does over time, until it erupts.
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Communication skills need strengthening. Hey, none of us were given a written instruction manual about relationships or marriage. It's no wonder our communication skills need strengthening. But if arguments are happening too frequently, then it's likely you've never been taught good conflict management or communication skills.
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Deeper issues (trust, stress, unmet needs) are going unspoken. Anytime we leave serious matter unspoken, we are asking for trouble. How is our spouse supposed to know something bothered us, if we never say anything And the longer we wait, the worse off things become.
It’s not about fighting less—it’s about fighting better.
Steps to Healthier Conflict
Here are a few tools to start shifting your conflict dynamic:
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Pause before reacting. Take a deep breath. Sometimes a 10-second pause can prevent a 10-minute fight. Man, I can't tell you how many times I've given this advice to couples who seek counseling due to conflict. It brings a whole new perspective to the phrase, "Time heals all wounds."
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Use “I” statements.
Instead of: “You never listen to me.”
Try: “I feel dismissed when I’m not heard.
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Validate your partner’s perspective. You don’t have to agree to acknowledge that their feelings are real. Healthy conflict isn't about simply agreeing with your spouse. It's about acknowledging their feelings. They need to feel heard. Again, a great way to use Reflective Listening.
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Pray together. Inviting God into the conversation can soften hearts and shift your focus from being right to being united. God should be at the forefront of all Christian relationships from the start. It's hard to stay mad at or in conflict with someone that you pray regularly with. Praying together also causes a certain level of vulnerability.
When to Seek Help
If you find yourselves stuck in the same patterns, unable to communicate without things escalating, or feeling emotionally unsafe, it might be time to involve a licensed therapist or Christian marriage counselor. There’s no shame in asking for help—it shows strength and commitment to the health of your relationship. It's also helpful to get a neutral outside party to point out negative communication patterns and areas of weakness in communication, as well as provide individualized communication and conflict management strategies.
Final Thought: Conflict Doesn’t Mean Failure
Disagreements are part of life, even in strong, faith-filled marriages. The goal isn’t to eliminate all conflict—it’s to grow through it. When handled with humility, honesty, and grace, even an argument can become a doorway to deeper connection.
Even Jesus had conflict when He was in human form on earth. Conflict is a huge growth catalyst. The important part is how we deal with or respond to conflict, NOT whether or not we have it.
Here are some Reflection Prompt to get you thinking deeper about the conflicts you have with your spouse:
Think about your last argument with your spouse?
What was the real emotion beneath the words? What could you do differently next time?
For a blog post specifically about Conflict Management, click here.
If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here. There are a number of different posts that more thoroughly address some of the strategies noted in this post.
The Married & Confused Podcast, as well as The Mustard Seed Marriage Podcast both have various episodes on some of these strategies, as well. The links to these podcasts are listed below.
I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.
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