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Fair FIghting Rules for Couples - Rule #7

 



As a Couple's Counselor, I've been asked to help couples learn to fight fairly.  Because, hey, all couples disagree and fight, to some extent or another.  So, I wanted to share some tips on how to have fair and productive fights with your husband or wife.  Wouldn't you rather have a productive fight, instead of one where you both end up hurting each other?


So I'm providing a 10 part blog series, addressing some common Rules for Fair Fighting.

During the first week I shared Rule #1 - Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.
To read that post, click here:

During the second week, I shared Rule #2 - 

Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them; own and express your feelings, respectfully.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-2.html


During the third week, I shared Rule #3 - Take Turns Talking, which goes hand in hand with Reflective Listening.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-3.html


During the fourth week, I shared about Rule #4 - Take a Time Out if things get too heated.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-4.html


In week five, I shared about Rule #5 - No Stonewalling

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-5.html



Last week, I shared about Rule #6 - Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding
To read that post, click here:

This week, I'm discussing Rule #7 - Discuss one issue at a time.


It's easy for this problem to come up when you're trying to reach a compromise, like we discussed last week. Because seeking compromise, often reminds you of the times in the past, that you "gave in". So, when having a compromise discussion, make sure you keep it to the issue at hand. It's not a time to hash or re-hash all the previous issues you've had or things you're still holding resentment over.


Also, when things are getting heated, it's easy for the initial topic to take a turn toward other, larger issues on your mind. And that's why, like we talked about before, it can be important to take a time out when things get heated, so that you don't say things you don't mean AND so you don't blow up the issue at hand, to something larger that deserves its own conversation.


For example, "You shouldn't be spending so much money without talking to me." can quickly turn into, "You don't care about our family."

Now it feels like you have two problems to try to resolve, instead of just one. That's just overwhelming and can lead down a rabbit hole that just isn't helpful or productive. It can also lead to a very hurtful conversation, that if given its own space, would have a much different outcome. When we're already upset about one thing, it's too easy to take all that frustration, anger, and hurt, and dump it into other topics.


When and argument stars to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. And we've all done a lot wrong! Having a discussion at this level is pretty much never helpful. In fact, I'd even remind you to go back to Rule #1 - Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.


Instead of airing all your grievances at once, plan to have regularly scheduled conversations about various things on your mind.  If you try to bring everything up at one time, chances are that in fact, NOTHING will get resolved and you'll end up in a worse place than when the argument started.  

In a future blog post, we'll talk about how to plan for such discussions, so that you or your spouse isn't blindsided.


Thanks for taking the time to read this blog post.


If you'd like more direct and personal help with your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.


I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.


If you'd like to see any of my other blog posts, please click here.


Website - www.brittaniedmilslmft.com

Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com

Phone - (925) 335-6122

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/brittaniedmillslmft

Instagram - @brittanedmillslmft

Podcast - www.facebook.com/marriedandconfusedpodcast


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