Skip to main content

Fair Fighting Rules for Couples - Rule #8

 



As a Couple's Counselor, I've been asked to help couples learn to fight fairly.  Because, hey, all couples disagree and fight, to some extent or another.  So, I wanted to share some tips on how to have fair and productive fights with your husband or wife.  Wouldn't you rather have a productive fight, instead of one where you both end up hurting each other?


So I'm providing a 10 part blog series, addressing some common Rules for Fair Fighting.

During the first week I shared Rule #1 - Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.
To read that post, click here:

During the second week, I shared Rule #2 - 

Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them; own and express your feelings, respectfully.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-2.html


During the third week, I shared Rule #3 - Take Turns Talking, which goes hand in hand with Reflective Listening.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-3.html


During the fourth week, I shared about Rule #4 - Take a Time Out if things get too heated.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-4.html


In week five, I shared about Rule #5 - No Stonewalling

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-5.html



In week six, I shared about Rule #6 - Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding
To read that post, click here:


Last week, I shared about Rule #7 - Discuss one issue at a time.

To read that post, click here:

https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/11/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-7.html


This week, I'm discussing Rule #8 - Take turns talking.


I know this can be hard. You probably have a lot to say and you probably want to get it out before you forget your point. But if you're practicing Reflective Listening, hopefully you're improving in this area.


If you each know you're going to get a "turn" to talk, then you can focus on being more attentive to what your spouse is saying. You won't feel like you have to respond now, or you won't get the chance. And you might find that, if you actually listen to what they have to say, the two of you may not be as far off from each other as you thought. Or if you know you have a turn to talk, then you don't have to be immediately defensive toward everything your partner says, because you will have a chance to respond, during your turn.


If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer allowing 1-2 minutes for each person to speak without interruption.  But don’t spend your partner’s minute thinking about what you want to say.  Spend their minute genuinely listening to them. Just like you want them to actually listen to you.


Taking turns talking is the precursor to Reflective Listening, which we will discuss in a later blog post. To truly take turns talking, you have to step outside of yourself and be interested in what your spouse has to say. Try to listen to what they have to say from their point of view or even from an outsider's point of view.


Taking turns talking also goes back to what we learned in childhood...to take turns and to share. And you know what they say, "Sharing is caring!" But it's true. If you share the conversation time with your spouse, then it shows that you love, respect, and care about them, by giving your undivided attention. Imagine how this approach could change the dynamics of your interactions if done on a regular basis. You would each feel loved and respected. And when you feel loved and respected, you behave differently. You give more grace to your spouse and others.


Sharing means giving each person equal opportunity. Sharing time means giving each person equal opportunity to express their point and their feelings.


Thanks for taking the time to read this blog post.


If you'd like more direct and personal help with your relationship, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.brittaniedmillslmft.com.


I provide online couples and individual counseling throughout California, Tennessee, South Carolina, and Florida.


If you'd like to see any of my other blog posts, please click here.


Website - www.brittaniedmilslmft.com

Email - bdmills@brittaniedmillslmft.com

Phone - (925) 335-6122

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/brittaniedmillslmft

Instagram - @brittanedmillslmft

Podcast - www.facebook.com/marriedandconfusedpodcast





Comments

Popular posts from this blog

The Down & Dirty of DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy)

This past week, I had the opportunity to attend a 2 hour DBT 101 training, free through my employer.  As a Child Protective Services social worker, I have seen the benefits of DBT with various clients over the years and knew it had some very valuable tools, but I had never taken the time to learn much about it.  So I thought this was my opportunity.  Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) centers around the fact that two opposing facts can be true at the same time.  For example - "I am tough, but I'm also gentle." or my favorite, "I'm doing the best I can, and I can do better."  DBT is an evidence based practice that stems from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and was originally created to treat Borderline Personality Disorder. I learned about the Bio-Social Theory around DBT.  Bio - there is a biological vulnerability to emotions and Social - an invalidating environment that communicates that what you're feeling, thinking or doing doesn't make sense. 

Behind the Couch: Understanding Why Therapists Opt Out of Insurance

  Behind the Couch:  Understanding Why Therapists Opt Out of Insurance As a therapist, I've noticed an increase in the number of people who want/need to use their insurance benefits to receive therapy.  And, to be honest, when I first sought out a therapist for myself, I felt the exact same way.   I understand.  Therapy can be a very costly investment.  But that's how you have to think about it - as an investment...in yourself and your mental and emotional well-being. But working as a therapist, I've learned that there are some definite reasons that you may not want to use your inusrance benefits. Let me take a few moments to explain. Insurance Requires a Diagnosis In order to use your insurance for therapy benefits, the insurance company requires that the providing therapist give a diagnosis.  That means that once you enter into therapy using your health insurance benefits, there is a documented record of a mental health diagnosis on file for you.  And that record may stay

Empty Nest

  Empty Nest - Now What? Your children are all grown and have moved out and are moving on with their own lives.  The constant influx of people in the house or at the dinner table has disappeared.  The hustle and bustle has died down.  And now you're left with just the two of you. Now it's time to rediscover yourselves as individuals, and maybe even more importantly, as a married couple.  The last several decades or more have been devoted to rearing your children and launching them into adulthood.  But now you find yourself with extra time and maybe extra energy on your hands. Leisure Time Maybe now that all the children's activities and obligations have gone, you find yourself with a lot of extra time.  Instead of dwelling on the absence of your children, focus on things you can now do with that time.  Take a nap.  Read a book.  Learn to cook or bake.  Sign up for some local classes or groups.  Or maybe you need something more practical.  You can do something productive lik