This Therapist's Therapy

  Communication Tips for Couples #4 One of the biggest topics that bring folks to couples counseling is lack of communication.  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing some basic communication tips for couples.   Today's tip is about "I" Statements.  This can be a very effective communication strategy, because it doesn't put the other person immediately on the defensive.  And, in fact, it allows them to better understand the direct impact their words and actions have on their partner. "I" Statements go hand in hand with Reflective Listening , as we discussed last week.  In fact, it should be a common statement used in Reflective Listening.   The format of "I" Statements is: "I feel______when you______because_____ ." In the first blank, you insert how you feel, such as sad, worried, angry. You are identifying your feeling, without it feeling like blame. You are taking ownership and responsibility of your own feelings. For example,

  Couples Communication Tip #3 One of the biggest topics that bring folks to couples counseling is lack of communication.  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing some basic communication tips for couples.   Today's tip is about Reflective Listening.  I mentioned this at the end of Tip #2 .  This is one of the most effective communication strategies, not only in relationships, but anywhere that communication get jammed up. I'm not going to lie, Reflective Listening takes practice AND takes intentionality, but when you use it, it can actually make a world of difference. Here are the 5 Steps to Reflective Listening : 1)  Listen to Hear Typically when we're in a discussion with someone and they're talking, expressing their point, we are already thinking of what we want to say next or how we're going to dispute their point.  We're not listening to truly hear what the other person has to say.  In this first step, we need to actually stop and listen.  Hear what y

 Communication Tips for Couples #2 One of the biggest topics that bring folks to couples counseling is lack of communication.  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing some basic communication tips for couples.   Today's tip is about the Time Out.  Time Outs aren't just for kids! When you and your partner are arguing and it feels like things are getting too heated, it isn't always the best idea to keep trying to resolve the issue or come to a conclusion.  Sometimes continuing the conversation does more harm than good. I recommend that, when the two of you are in a good space, that you come up with some agreements around taking a Time Out.  A Time Out is a specified period of time in which each of you disengage from the arguement or discussion, physically separate from each other, and take some time to think and cool down.  This allows each of you time time to cool down, consider your partner's position, gather your thoughts, and be prepared to come back to the discu

  Communication Tips for Couples One of the biggest topics that bring folks to couples counseling is lack of communication.  Over the next few weeks, I'll be sharing some basic communication tips for couples.   We'll start really simple.  Each person in the relationship should start by making a list of all the positive things about the relationship with their partner.  And I mean everything.  Think back to when you first got together.  What did you love about the relationship then?  What made you take things to the next level? Once you have your list of all the positive things about the relationship, I want you to go one step further.  Now make a list of all the positive things about your partner.  All the things you admire.  Again, think back to the beginning of the relationship, what things about your partner drew you to them in the first place?  What things made you fall in love with them?   Now take a look at the list of the positive things about the relationship.  How many

  A common theme I hear when working with couples, is that there is a lack of communication between the two of them, or between them and their children.  They often feel like no one is on the same page.  And even moreso, they feel like they never have the time to talk because they are so busy. What I have found to be very successful with couples and families is to institute a weekly Family Meeting. This is a scheduled period of time that everyone sets aside to meet and talk together.  It creates a sense of purpose and unity that manay families struggle with.  It makes space for each person to share what's on their mind and for all parties to discuss topics that pertain to and effect the entire family.  It also tends to drastically improve communication amongst family members, thus creating more harmony. While there isn't a specific agenda for these meetings, it IS important to have an agenda.  The agenda for each family may look a little different.  But I've also found that

Today we're going to talk about "the 3 questions" and how to use them successfully in your marriage. The 3 Questions are - "What's Working Well?", "What Are You/We Worried About?", and "What Needs to Happen Next?"   These questions are best used in planned conversations within a marriage relationship.  I often recommend couples who are struggling with communication, to schedule a weekly Family Meeting, in which they designated a specific time each week that is set aside to talk to each other.  There are several components that make these conversations successful.  The main ingredients are The 3 Questions. The 1st question is "What's Working Well?"  This question should be used to start the conversation.  Human nature is to want to hear positive things - about ourselves and our relationships.  By starting the conversation this way, both people's defenses come down and they are more open to a productive conversations.  Th

  We've spent the last 10 weeks discussing the Fair Fighting Rules for Couples.  Let's summarize. Rule #1 -   Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset. Don't go into an arguement or discussion without knowing why you're upset, otherwise the discussion won't be productive. You need to be able to explain your feelings and how the situation has hurt you. And you need to stay focused on the issue at hand. If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #1, click here : Rule #2 -  Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them; own and express your feelings, respectfully. It's important to use words to share your feelings. You need to describe how the situation makes you feel and why. Use "I" statements instead of blaming your partner. For example, "It scares me when you don't call when you're coming home late, because I get worried that something bad has happenedd to you." This is owning your own fee

  As a Couple's Counselor, I've been asked to help couples learn to fight fairly.  Because, hey, all couples disagree and fight, to some extent or another.  So, I wanted to share some tips on how to have fair and productive fights with your husband or wife.  Wouldn't you rather have a productive fight, instead of one where you both end up hurting each other? So I'm providing a 10 part blog series, addressing some common Rules for Fair Fighting. During the first week I shared Rule #1 -   Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset. To read that post, click here: https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-1.html During the second week, I shared Rule #2 -  Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them; own and express your feelings, respectfully. To read that post, click here: https://brittaniedmillsmft.blogspot.com/2021/10/fair-fighting-rules-for-couples-rule-2.html During the third week, I shared Rule