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9/6 - Quick Glance - 10 Rules for Fair Fighting in Marriage

 

On a recent episode of The Mustard Seed Marriage Podcast, I talked about how to manage conflict in your marriage.  And in an upcoming episode, I am sharing some of the Fair Fighting Rules, and how to practice them.  

But, I thought for today's blog post, I would give a sneak peek refresher of the Fair Fighting Rules.

Here's a summary of all 10 Fair Fighting Rules.

Rule #1 - Before your begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.
Don't go into an argument or discussion without knowing why you're upset, otherwise the discussion won't be productive. It's important to know what you're upset about. You need to stay focused on the issue at hand. Keep the problem, the problem.

If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #1, click here.


Rule #2 - Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them; own and express your feelings, respectfully.
It's important to use words to share your feelings. You need to describe how the situation makes you feel and why. Use "I" statements instead of blaming your partner. For example, "It scares me when you don't call when you're coming home late, because I get worried that something bad has happened to you." This is owning your own feelings, yet being respectful and not blaming.

If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #2, click here.


Rule #3 - Take Turns Talking, which goes hand in hand with Reflective Listening.

One of the most common issues amongst couples is that one person doesn't feel heard or doesn't feel they are able to express their feelings. So it's important to take turns talking, even it it means setting a timer until you both get familiar with the process. You can even use Reflective Listening, where you each listen to the other and then reflect back what they said. Listen to understand, not to respond.


If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #3, click here.



Rule #4 - Take a Time Out if things get too heated.

This is a very important strategy, because it can be a reset in a difficult situation. It can be used by itself, even if the other strategies haven't been used. A Time Out gives both people a chance to cool off, think about the situation and what's been said, and return later to have a productive conversation. This small period of time to cool off can really help improve discussions.


If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #4, click here.



Rule #5 - No Stonewalling


Stonewalling is when one of the people gets to a point where they are refusing to communicate.  It often looks like the silent treatment.  Sometimes it happens because one person fees overwhelmed and unable to express themselves and other times it happens because we want to "punish" the other person.  Either way, stonewalling is not effective, because it stalls the entire conversation process.


If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #5, click here.



Rule #6 - Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding
The best way to resolve an argument is to find a way that both people win. That way, neither person feels that their voice isn't reflected in the decision. A compromise means taking pieces from each person's opinion and crafting them into a new solution. And sometimes in doing this, you actually come to a better solution that neither of you previously thought of.

If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #6, click here.


Rule #7 - Discuss only one issue at a time.

It's so easy for couples to get caught up during an argument, bringing up every injustice, offense, and problem from the relationship. But this means that the actual problem at hand won't be addressed and nothing will be resolved. If you truly want to resolve issues with your partner, it's important to focus on one thing at a time.


If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #7, click here.



Rule #8 - Take turns talking.

It's important for each person to get a chance to speak and voice their concerns, without interruption. And each person should be able to listen to the other, without focusing on what they want to say next. By intentionally taking turns, it frees each person to really listen to the other. Set a timer or take notes, if that helps.


If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #8, click here.



Rule #9 - No degrading language.

They say that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. But we all know it's not true. Words mean things. And words hurt. So, don't resort to name calling and put downs. That the childish way of engaging in a discussion and it usually causes your partner to shut down, instead of engaging in a healthy conversation. Instead, focus on the problem, not the person.


If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #9, click here:



Rule #10- Focus on the problem, not the person

In a heated argument, it's easy to focus on all the negative aspects of the

other person, but what does that solve? All it does is hurt your partner and

damage trust in the relationship. By focusing on the flaws of your partner,

the conversation is not productive. Problems in relationships are rarely
the fault of one person alone. So, it's best to focus on the problem at hand.


If you'd like to read the full post for Rule #10, click here:


Thanks for taking the time to read this blog post. I hope you've found these rules helpful and have taken the time to try them on in your relationship. I'd love to hear how they worked for you. Please feel free to leave a comment.


If you'd like to see any of my previous blog posts, please click here or visit the Blog tab on my website.

If you're interested in couples or individual counseling and you think you might like to work with me, please visit my website and schedule a free 15 minute consultation - www.mustardseedchristiancounseling.com.


I provide online individual and couples counseling throughout California, Tennessee, Ohio, South Carolina, and Florida.









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